How many of you think that it’s possible to love unconditionally? How many of you would like to learn how to love unconditionally and freely? If I told you that this has led me to true happiness, would you believe me? There is this song that I love by Offer Nissim called “Out of My Skin” The words go something like this: All my life I was fighting… my way out of my skin, I’ve been hiding the person I’m within… ‘til I saw… and I had to just let myself go…

I know how she feels. I think that many of us kind of feel that way – maybe sometimes without consciously realizing it. For a long time I felt like I was fighting. I didn’t know who or what I was fighting, but I was fighting. All along though, I knew that I wanted to love. I always knew that I had so much love inside of me that was fighting to get out. I just didn’t know how to let it out. It was trapped – behind big, thick walls of defense. I hid my love away. I didn’t know how to let it all go… so that I could love freely again.

I used to wonder sometimes: I had all of these nice thoughts about people, but for some reason, the words would not come out of my mouth. Why couldn’t I express all of these wonderful and loving things that I thought about people? Afterwards I would kick myself and think, why didn’t I just say it? Now I realize that it must have been because I was scared. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get the same love back and then I would be hurt… again. And I had already been so very deeply hurt, to my core. I had already been so disappointed by love. How could I ever learn to love that freely again? What if I was disappointed again? What if I was hurt like that again?

What I’ve come to see is that the more that I have now grown to love myself, the more that I am able to love others. They always say that you must learn to love yourself first, before you can truly love others… unconditionally. I believe that is very true. I’ve seen it through me and how I’ve grown. AND the more I love myself, the better I become. It only makes sense. The more encouragement & nurturing that I provide for myself, the stronger I become. Analogies: If you water and nourish a flower, it will bloom brightly (women). If you water and feed a tree, the stronger the trunk becomes [men? ] and the healthier all of the branches will be. AND I am seeing that the more I support myself, the better I become at supporting others. I used to wait for others to provide this support & love to me, now I know that I can also provide it to myself. How beautiful is that!

In the past, my love was conditional… on getting it back from others. If I didn’t get it back, I would be hurt and try to stop loving (not always successfully). Now that I have really learned how to love myself, I don’t need it from others in order to show love or be happy. I have built a solid foundation. I am love. I now love myself unconditionally and so am able to give that same unconditional love to others. So now that I love unconditionally, I don’t need to get it back (because I understand how love works). Of course it’s still heavenly to receive love from others, but the difference is that I don’t depend on it. And it’s so ironic that I now feel even more love from everyone in all directions then I have ever felt before! Now that I don’t need it, I get more of it. It’s amazing!

You may be asking, “How does that work?” Well, it actually makes a lot of sense, because when you can give your love unconditionally, you automatically give it more freely. And when you freely give your love, it reaches more people and people really feel it. They then generally want to reciprocate it. Ok, maybe not everyone, and that’s alright. Because now I realize that if someone doesn’t show me love, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with me. It might just be that their defenses are up and they cannot show love freely (just like I once was…). When your foundation is strong, you can’t be broken. So now I generally don’t react and get hurt (or if I do, I let it go quickly). I understand and I continue to love, without expecting it in return. That’s the big difference. Don’t be attached to the results. Just love because it feels good to love. This brings up one of the most important principles to live by – in all areas of our lives – personal relationships, business, etc.: Just do what you want to do because you want to do it, not because you expect a certain result.

“Intense love does not measure, it just gives.” - Mother Teresa

So this is what I did to let go and this is what set me free… to love unconditionally. I have broken the process into steps for you:

Step 1: Be Aware – Start questioning yourself. Realize that you may also be holding your love back: What are your thoughts on loving? Do you love unconditionally? Do you love everyone? Do you even think that this is possible? Can you love people who do not show love back to you? Do you tell people wonderful, loving things? Or do you hold back?

Step 2: Understand – More questions and then realizations: Why do you feel the way you feel? What caused you to possibly build those walls around your love and your heart? Do you understand that the pain from the past does not necessarily have to carry forward? Do you realize that you have the power and the choice to let go of the pain? Do you want to let go of it or do you want to keep punishing yourself? Do you know that pain from the past does not have to keep perpetuating to pain in the future? Do you believe that the past does not necessarily have to equal the present or the future? Do you really understand  and truly believe this? Do you understand that it is really always your choice to feel the things you feel? Nobody is in your mind. Nobody makes you feel a certain way. You choose your thoughts & feelings. Really understand how this is true.

Step 3: Release – Let go of the pain from the past. Don’t hold it in anymore. It is not serving you – let it go. (There’s much more on this in my book, A Bella Life.) You must let go of all the bad things in order to make space for the good things (otherwise it gets too crowded and confusing). You may be saying to yourself, “Sure Bela, easier said then done!” True. This is simple, yet not necessarily easy. Remember though, it is always your choice: Choose to think that it is easy and it will be. Either hold on to it and hold yourself back or let go of it and set yourself free! I held onto my pain for a long time and it weighed me down… so heavily. When I made the choice to let it go, it really set me so free and I felt a thousand pound weight being lifted from me. It’s all so much lighter now. So come join me. Let it go, release it – see how good it feels to be free!

Step 4: Recondition – Really learn how to love yourself unconditionally. This was a big challenge for me. I’m a Virgo, so for those of you who know, I tend to be a perfectionist. I must be perfect… always. I have always been an overachiever and always have tried to hold myself to very high standards. And so, was often disappointed when I couldn’t live up to my expectations or what I thought others expected of me. Now I realize that I can’t be perfect. And that’s ok. Please don’t ever hold me to standards of being perfect, because I am not. I still have lots to learn. I learn new things everyday. I make mistakes and now I realize that it’s ok. Everyone makes mistakes. Now I learn from them and then move forward. Instead of getting stuck and continuously punishing myself… over and over again. Remember – just let it go.

I also now treat myself with more love, compassion and respect than ever before. I am kind to myself. I tell myself good things about me. I encourage myself. I forgive myself for my mistakes. And you know the magic of this, I am now able to do all of this towards others too: I love more. I treat others with more compassion and respect. I am kinder to others. I give compliments more freely. I encourage others more. I forgive others more easily.

“If we want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.“  – Mother Teresa

So there you go, that’s how to love unconditionally: Love yourself unconditionally first. When I tell you that I love you, know that I really mean it. I love you. I hope that you feel it, because it is true. I have so much love in my heart and I just keep generating more! It’s really there. Trust me. And in you as well…

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